DADADA DA, DA DADADA
by irunmann
Summary: DEAD, not going to rewrite.
1. Chapter 1

DADADA DA-DA, DA-DA-DA

(YES IT IS THE VICTORY SONG FOR FINAL FANTASY)

Chap. 1, outside Corneria, they grow soybeans.

Two men, a black mage and a fighter, were walking in the woods. The black mage was named Vivaldi, the Fighter was Boris.

"Viv? Why are we in the woods?" asked Boris, boris was about 5,3 at that time, not the standard height for a fighter.

"Were going to kill some people." Said Viv, Vivaldi was about 6, 9 at that time. He was stronger than Boris by far, but his magic was second to only gods. "Were looking for some thieves, I got wind that they have just raided a mine in Dwarvinland. They don't need the gold, so were *ahem* 'politely asking for a share of the wealth.'"

"Commy." The two waited for about ten minutes before a man on a horse came riding up, after the scout looked around he turned away.

"Looks like a scout, they'll be here soon."retorted Vivaldi. After 5 minutes a few carts pulled up, "Allow me, *Lock 2*" Vivaldi used a spell that stopped all in the caravan dead in it's tracks, except for the horses, "We need a getaway." Said Viv.

"Easy looting." Commented Boris.

"Let's take the horse and carts, these people are so gracious!" said Vivaldi in a smug voice. "Let's be off." The two rode into the wind with there easy bounty, while the frozen "charity" started crying.


	2. Chapter 2

DADADA DA-DA, DA-DA-DA

(YES IT IS THE VICTORY SONG FOR FINAL FANTASY)

Chap. 2, outside Corneria, they grow soybeans, there out of the forest with booty

"Well what are we gonna do with all these 'charitable goods.'" Asked Boris.

"Ye olde pawn shoppe and yeh olden bank. My ass, it's called the black market." Retorted Vivaldi. The two rode out, hours past and it was dead night before they got to Corneria's main street. Just as planned. The pair then went through some back alleys and pulled there "charitable goods" into a loading dock. Vivaldi got off his mount and walked to a small man.

"Yo Viv, this looks like a hefty bounty, so whatt'ya got ferme?" said the dwarf, he was about 4, 10, one of the tallest of dwarf ancestry.

"Well Ig, I got about 5 tons of Dwarven Gold."

"Dwarf? Dwarvenland or Flardengdom?"Asked Ig

"I took it from brigands who _stole_ it from Dwarvenland." Said Vivaldi.

"Hahaha! Good, protecting my homeland! Ifya stole it, I would've to kill ye. Very slowely and _painfully_." Said Ig.

"I know, you think I would come here if I did?"

"Hahahahaha! I know better than to doubt ye my friend!" Said Ig in a voice a little too loud for the situation of the "charitable goods." "Since ye helpred out my homeland I'll giv'ya a bonus. Howwa bout….. 1 million gil?"

"Sounds good." Said Vivaldi. Ig went into a chest just a few feet behind him, Ig takes out a big bag and hands it to Vivaldi, which in turn he puts it in his bag of infinite holding.

"It's kind of weird that you would trust me with this much info, I've known you only for about, hmmm…, two weeks at most." Said Boris.

"Well, I trust you." Awnsered Vivaldi, "But I know you wouldn't double cross me, you just seem like a trustworthy man," At that point Vivaldi relized how young Boris looked, he never asked his age, "By the way, how old are you?"

"Me, I'm about 109, I'm half elf, so I've still got about…. 891 years to go. If I where full-elf, I would have the physique of a ten year old." Awnsered Boris.

"Shiiiiiieeeet! I'm only 30. But I plan on sacrificing the Cornarian army to the god of death to secure my immortality."

"Good luck with that."

"It's late, we need to get to an inn. I'm starving."


	3. Chapter 3

DADADA DA-DA, DA-DA-DA

(YES IT IS THE VICTORY SONG FOR FINAL FANTASY)

Chap. 3, outside Corneria, they grow soybeans, umm, they are going to Garland's house.

After a nice day of charity work and a good nights rest, we join the two on a hillside overlooking a forest just north of the town walls.

"Were we going next?" Said Boris.

"We are going to Garland's." Awnsered Vivaldi.

"That pussy's place? Why?" Questioned Boris.

"To loot, why else?" The two set off through the forest, suddenly two imps attacked, but because the imps are complete weaklings, Boris drew his sword slicing the two imps in half without even stopping on his walk to Garland's. He then sheathed his sword and continued onward.

"Nice sword." Said Vivaldi. "It looks Chinese."

"It is. A really nice 'Charity' gave it to me." Boris said with a laugh.

"I thought so. Bloody thief." The two continued to trek through the woods and soon came out of it, seeing the obvious path north, the two continued. Suddenly after hours of traveling, a pack of wolves attacked.

"Ugh, _wolves._" Said Vivaldi disgusted. "I _hate _wolves." Vivaldi took out a rod that looked like a blue steel stick, he twisted the knob on it and suddenly came out a huge 5 foot morning star, it had some blood stains on it from a previous battle. Vivaldi immediately leaped foreword and crushed one wolf's head with a hammering blow, the n going to the next on impaling it with the spikes and picking it up on the club of doom, he set the wolf on fire with black magic and threw it at the other wolves, who cowered away in fear.

"Holy damn. When were you going to tell me about that death-bringer of yours." Said Boris.

"I dunno, when we encountered fuggin' wolves." Said Vivaldi.

"Well, I'm glad I'm not against you." The two brushed off the ashes of the burned wolf who, in fact, was still ablaze, they did not encounter any more opposition that day.

The next day, again after a good nights sleep. The two proceeded into the mountains. They came across and odd looking Asiatic building and decided to look inside, the two slid open the door and saw a figure meditating in front of a huge Vishnu god with incense burning around it.

"Hell-" is all Vivaldi got to before he was punched in the gut and sent through the wall, the figure the put her (wait her?) fist to Boris's throat, relising thet this chick was crazy as hell, he put his hands up.

"RAGE…..WTF DO YOU GUYS WANT… IF GARLAND IS PROPOSING AGAIN I'LL KILL HIM MYSELF." Said the girl, Boris relized that she looked fifteen and she was a black belt. And only about 4 feet tall.

"Uuuuuuu, no were gonna loot Garland, and please don't kill me!" Boris said almost crying.

"Oh." She said as the young Black Belt went outside, picked up Vivaldi's 300 pound 6 foot 9 body with one hand and slapped him continuously, "WAKE UP STUPID MAGE."

"I think your only knocking him out more……" said Boris.

"Oh, ok, let's eat."


	4. Chapter 4

DADADA DA-DA, DA-DA-DA

(YES IT IS THE VICTORY SONG FOR FINAL FANTASY)

Chap. 4, outside Corneria, they grow soybeans, umm, they are going to Garland's house.

After a stop for some lunch.

Boris needs some new underwear, this fifteen year old Black Belt sent Vivaldi, a 6,9 black mage who wields a mace of death, through a wall and knocked him out with one punch, and now he does NOT want to piss her off.

"Sorry about my freak out, it is just Garland, he proposed t me many times, but he aint a romantic, he send some army for me to slaughter along with, candy, flowers, and poems, The latter three piss me off to no extent." Said the girl "Oh, By the way, My names Kiro, and you can stop shaking now." Boris just realizing she knew he was scared shitless stopped shaking. "Here is somma my special ramen, eat up." Boris began eating and turned right to check up on Vivaldi, his hat fell off, he always wondered what a black mage looked like without the hat, Vivaldi had silver hair and a scar from the bottom of his left eye to his chin. He looked mid 20's, about ten years younger than he actually is.

"So how old are you?" Asked Kiro, "And what's your name?"

"Me, I'm 109, and I am a half elf named Boris. And you?"

"Me, I'm fifteen, and I am a human. You know my name, so what about the big guy?" At that time Vivaldi woke up and put his hat back on, you could tell he was embarresed by his hat coming off.

"I, am Vivaldi, I am a black mage and I am 30. But soon I will be immortal. Is that Ramen/ Lets eat!" the three sat down for a dinner and ate.

An hour or two later, the three where stuffed and bowls where piled high to the ceiling.

"Damn, good, ramen." Vivaldi said as he passed out. But there was no time for rest. Because suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"Kiro, um, Garland sent us to tell you that he invited you to dinner… please don't kill us." Kiro then stood up, put on lipstick, went to the door casually with a calm complexion, opened the door. She then accepted the candy, and other romantic shit, then punched the imp's face out leaving a gaping hole. Then an army of guardian imps came up and offered their heads in tribute, Garland is a sadistic fuck. Kiro, completely pissed off. From her head bulged a huge vien, she was PISSED OFF. She leaped from a running stop and crushed about three imps with one downward palmstrike, she looked around and guestimated that there was about 500 imps, perfect for a mindless slaughter! She leaped up in a corkscrew backflip and landed on two imps. Poor imps… oh well, after the comforted landing on two imps, kiro punches the ground and causes a small earthquake. Opening a riff in the ground burying about half of the imps. Goodie! The riff closed and Kiro turned to the survivors, who where fleeing.

"OH NO YOU FUCJING DON'T!" Exploded Kiro as she grabs an imp and bites it's head off Ozzy style. The rest of the imps ran faster than Kenyan on RedBull. She then returned to the house and she smiled, "I'll join you to kill Garland."

"Thanks." Said Boris as he crapped his pants, Vivaldi still asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

DADADA DA-DA, DA-DA-DA

(YES IT IS THE VICTORY SONG FOR FINAL FANTASY)

Chap. 5, outside Garland's "house"

The three where in a jolly mood, for one, Boris was glad he wasn't dead, Vivaldi was glad he got some ramen, and Kiro is just glad to finally get rid of Garland. The three where just leaving Kiro's house.

"Kiro?" said Boris, "You are of Cornarian decent right?"

"Ya, why do you ask?"

"Well, your fighting style is blatently eastern, no doubt, but you for one are cornarian, and by the looks of it, you have no asian features at all, in fact, there is no real asian race of class in final fantasy 1, except for the few somewhat Asiatic weapons in the game, there is no eastern culture, so why the fuck do black belt's exsisit?" asked Boris.

"Eh, don't know don't care." Which was good enough for him. The three walked farther north and spotted his stupid little ruins he calls a home. But, there was a weirdo sitting in front of it. The person looked to be a Shaman, cat ears and all, he (or she) was praying in front of the "castle." The three went closer and saw a circle of chalk drawn around the place, then he (or she) rose his (or her) hands and slapped them on the ground, the castle shone and turned from the grey stone, into gold!

"HELL YES!!! CAN'T LEARN ALCHEMY MY ASS!!! FUCK YOU WHITE MAGE ACADEMY AND YOUR STUPID OATHS! I'M RICH BITCH!" It was a guy… sadly… But his joy was short lived, as the castle then turned back into the grey stone from before.

"Damnit! I must have sacrificed too many infants…" said the clinically insane white mage/shaman.

"The hell is with this guy? Wait he sacrifices babies? I think I'm in love!" Said Kiro.

"Kid, I'm a black mage and I'm not even that cruel…" said Vivaldi.

"Ugh, you two are hopeless…" Said Boris.

"Huh, is someone there?" said the clinically insane white mage/shaman, "Screw it, Sight!" The Shaman's eyes glowed light blue and he looked from above. "AHAH! Spectators." The trio then relized how screwed they were. The shaman drew out a gigantic scythe and snapped his fingers; he disappeared in a cloud of smoke and reappeared behind the three.

"Libra!" Said the Shaman, his eyes turned to targets and he looked at Boris. "Elf, 109 years old, virgin." He then looked at Vivaldi, "Human, 43, way too much masturbation… eww." He then looked at Kiro, "Human, 15, NOT a virgin… Oh, hi honey."

"Oh, it's you Scott… I thought I killed you." Said Kiro.

"Hey, what can I say, the devil didn't want me."

"Makes sense…"

"No it doesn't. But who cares, I can tell from my Libra spell that you all want to loot Garland. I'll join you, I hate him, he didn't provide me with the lead I need to change his castle into gold."

"Sounds good." Said Boris. "Since you know us all from Libra, I can skip the introductions. Thank god. Alright, we kill Garland first, then loot. Got it?"

"Yep!" Replied everyone almost simultaneously.

"Alright, let's go!" (Cue Indiana Jones music)


	6. Bonus Chapter!

DADADA DA-DA, DA-DA-DA

(YES IT IS THE VICTORY SONG FOR FINAL FANTASY)

Bonus Chapter!

Boris, Vivaldi, Kiro, and Scott. Good buds, we join the four at a small table in a small brothel, in the brothel there is, of course, a bar. It has Whiskey, and Wine, and Beer, and Sake etc. etc., It has a stage with two really hot, smokin' hot elves working a pole. Gil in their thongs, until they slip out and perverts swipe up the coins, only to give it right back to the whores. Around the door where shin bones, of people who lost their leg to a bet with the bartender, a bet they would regret, and too dirty to tell. The four where around a small table playing poker.

"Alright, we playin' blackjack, minimum bet at 50 gil." Said Kiro as she deled the cards, Scott was already wasted, him slumping, barely, on his barstool with empty ale glasses. "Scott. Scott! A fuck, he's too wasted too play."

"What else is new?" Said Vivaldi. "I'll wake 'im up. Ice." A small bolt of ice shot out of Vivaldi's hand and hit Scott in the face, freezing it over. Realizing he can't breathe, he took his head to the bar many many times, until his head was free.

"A fuck. A cold hangover." Scott said as he got up to heal his bloody bruises. "Pure." A green light engulfed him and he looked better as the light faded away. "Alright, what we playing?"

"Blackjack." Said Boris, "Now shut up and sit down, I'll start." The bets had been placed and there was about 1,324 Gil at stake, Kiro started counter-clockwise, with Scott.

"Hit?"

"Yep." Kiro gave him a card, "Shit, I'm bust." He revealed his cards to show he had 30. Two kings and a queen.

"You suck at Blackjack." Said Kiro as she turned her attention to Vivaldi. "What'll it be?"

"Stay." Said Vivaldi. Kiro then turned to Boris.

"Hit?"

"Nah."

"Alright, I'm stayin', read 'em and weep!" Kiro said as she played her cards down to reveal an ace and a jack.

"Damn. I got 19." Said Boris as he revealed a nine and a ten.

"What have you got?" Asked Kiro. Vivaldi chuckled.

"I got, A GUN!" He yelled as he pulled a colt .45 army revolver from behind his cards and shot up, he quickly swiped the gil in his bag of infinite holding and ran, leaving his cards behind him, Kiro saw that they read "Joker" Vivaldi ran out of the bar and leaped on a horse he left for his getaway.

"Au revoir!" He said as he rode off into the night. It echoed, "Au revoir"


	7. Chapter 6

DADADA DA-DA, DA-DA-DA

(YES IT IS THE VICTORY SONG FOR FINAL FANTASY)

Chap. 5, inside Garland's "house"

The four adventurers where in a jolly mood, they were about to kill the easiest non-tutorial boss in the world, and loot him. But still Boris was a bit worried.

"Hey, this doesn't look right…" Boris said as the four walked into the dungeon, they all looked around to see what the problem was.

"Nothing looks wrong." Said Vivaldi.

"Exactly. Look in front of us." Said Scott pointing to the wall blocking their way.

"Odd, I thought it was a straight shot to Garland…" Said Kiro

"That's the point, there was a long hallway here, but it seems Garland got some brains, which would be trouble." Scott said as his face grew thick with worry.

"Why?" Asked Vivaldi, "Nothing Mega Flare won't handle." Said Vivaldi as he raised his left hand which began to emanate a red, magical aura.

"Chaos, when the original light warriors faced Garland after knocking some sense into him, he became Chaos, the last and if not most powerful, most annoying because of his cure 4."

"So, we'll just kick his ass anyway. Now which way, left or right?" Asked Boris as he drew his blade. The four without speaking a word turned left down a dark corridor and came to 2 doors.

Which way should they go?

Left Door? (Go to page 37)

Right Door? (Go to page 12)

"How about neither, *MEGA FLARE*" Said Vivaldi as two orbs of pure energy shot out of his hands and collided with the narrorator, causing nuclear fusion killing him instantly and not even leaving ashes.

"Was that necessary?" Asked Boris.

"Do you seriously want to do Bobobo style comedy in which we change the subject entirely just to fit the task at hand, making complete random nonsense while acting like idiots?" Asked Vivaldi.

"Actually, I would like that, it's my favorite anime." Said Kiro. After which Scott and Boris Nodded to.

"Oh fuck it." Said Vivaldi. He opened the left door to see a dragon-born female getting spanked, he immediately closed the door and gouged his right eye out.

"What was seen cannot be unseen. Now please heal me Scott." Said Vivaldi who, even under his shadowed face looked pale.

"As I said, Garland is a pervert." Said Kiro as she opened the right door. The four looked inside to see five treasure chests trimmed with gold.

"I call first!" Said Boris as he headed for the left-most chest. Boris kicked the chest open to find that it contained a crystal shard. "I wonder what this does?" He stored it in his bag of infinite holding while Vivaldi kicked open the left most chest. He looked inside to find a small rock. Vivaldi blew it up.

"A target for Christmas, thanks Garland." He said as his anger made steam rise off his head. Kiro opened the one next to Vivaldi and found a Muramasa katana, which made Kiro smile with bloodlust. Scott opened the one next to Boris, leaving the chest in the middle closed, he carefully opened the chest and a brilliant beam of light shone out, he pulled out a gunblade, he saw it was in the revolver style.

"Alright, Christmas is over, where done with the Christmas special, now let's kill Garland." Said Scott.

"Finally." Vivaldi said as he cast Flare and blew up half the castle, leaving a Gaping crater in the ground and Garland, with his jaw touching the ground, was left in shock. Scott then started chanting and snapped his fingers as the four teleported behind Garland, weapons at ready, Vivaldi struck Garland in the head with his mace of doom, crushing in Garlands head and leaving blood all over the remains of the room, then Boris quickly leaped behind Garland and Impaled him from behind, while the impalement was holding Garland steady, Kiro began to focus, and after about five seconds unleashed 10,000 fists onto Garland's Body, while Scott began chanting and cut his fingertip, drawing a small pentagram surrounded by a circle on the ground, he clapped his hands together and then onto the ground, creating a light that enveloped the circle, a giant cannon rose out of the ground as Scott picked it up and pointed it at Garland.

"Every body MOVE!" Scott yelled as the three leaped behind Scott, the cannon began to draw energy in its end and turned black, "CHAOS! CANNON!!!!!!!" Scott shouted as a humongous beam of black energy shot out completely obliterating Garland and only leaving his armor intact, his body was disintegrated and 10 miles of ocean behind him, the fishes suffered the same fate and the sea parted in two.

"I think we over did it a bit…" Said Scott, setting his cannon on the ground and transmitting it back into the earth.

"No shit Sherlock." Said Boris as he began to search for loot.


End file.
